Thru Hiking is Hard

Today is my 40th day on trail and to be honest, I have not been having the best time over the past week or so. The trail has been kicking my ass, physically and mentally. I’m definitely in a bit of a slump at the moment, and I just keep trying to remind myself that dips in mood and motivation are temporary. It’s easy in hindsight to write what is good, beautiful, worth it, all the reasons why I keep going... The reality is that most of the time it’s really hard to see all that stuff when I’m hot, (or cold), tired, sore, lonely, sweaty, and entirely unmotivated.

Today, all I can write is that I am utterly exhausted, in every way. Sleep has been a hard thing to come by, due to very uncomfortable sleeping conditions, noise, and the need to get up at ungodly hours in order to get miles in before the sun gets too hot. Then consider that I have been constantly moving for most of each day, often climbing up intense inclines for hours at a time, only to reach the top and head back down again (which hurts even more than the uphill) and you can imagine that my body is DONE.

Beautiful view... hell of a climb. 

I cannot describe my foot pain at this point... I can’t answer the question of where it hurts, because it’s everywhere. The bottom of my feet feel like one giant bruise, accompanied by a rotating cycle of sharp stabbing pains in my toes, heels, arches, and ankles. I’ve also had ongoing numbness in my left big toe, which is just a tad concerning. I tried to buy new shoes, hoping it would help, and that only caused them to hurt more. On top of my feet, my right calf is consistently tight and sore, my low back hurts from the weight of my pack, and my collar bones have developed veins which sit right under my shoulder straps and, when pushed, cause a tingling sensation to shoot down my arms. That can’t be healthy. 

Earlier this week we were hiking through fairly comfortable temperatures, but I was feeling super tired, grumpy, emotional, and enjoying everyone’s favourite thing to have on trail – some good old fashioned PMS. Every morning there was nothing I wanted to do less than start climbing mountains, but that is what I did. When in a mood like that, I just want to walk in a bit of a daze and not have to focus too hard on what I’m doing. Unfortunately, a huge chunk of the trail so far has been through burn areas, in which a wonderful plant called Poodle Dog Bush grows in abundance. It looks and smells suspiciously like marijuana, but is actually highly poisonous and touching it results in painful blisters that can last for over a month long. For several days I was unable to relax because I was constantly scanning the trail intensely as it was quite overgrown in places with surprise poodle dog hidden in there, and then SURPRISE, some poison oak showed up too! 

Eff you, poodle dog bush!! 

We finally left the burn areas and the poodle dog behind, and descended down into the desert, where temperatures sky rocketed into the high 30’s (Celsius) and the sun was blazing hot. From there we have had to adjust our schedule to avoid hiking in the heat. Two days ago we left at 6pm and hiked 12 miles until 10:15pm, then set our alarms for 3 am yesterday “morning” in order to get another 12 in before the heat. I was so exhausted in the morning I had to change it to 4am. It was cold, AGAIN, and our sleeping bags were soaked with dew. 

One good part about night hiking is seeing beautiful sunsets 

Also, hiking in the dark means some interesting critters, like this creepy centipede! 

And of course, 4am alarm means awesome sunrises too...

Those 12.3 miles were some of my worst yet. I had bought the new shoes the afternoon before so it was my second day in them and everything HURT. I cried the last 3 miles into town, partially due to the pain and partially due to my fear that I am leading myself towards a stress injury and that my days left on this trail are numbered. I want to remain positive and optimistic that I will be able to sort everything out and keep going, but the reality is that a lot people I know have had to get off trail already due to overuse injuries, and the pain I’ve been experiencing does not bode well. 

Somehow despite the intense discomfort I’ve been in – the cold, the heat, the delightfully cold and wet day I’m sitting in today while I rest my feet, the pain, and the exhaustion – the part that is making me feel the worst is my worry that I only have a limited time left before my body won’t allow me to do this anymore. I don’t know if it’s that deep down I truly love it or maybe I just stubbornly want to finish what I started, but either way I don’t want to get off trail and I’m so scared that I’m going to have to, possibly pretty soon.

Sometimes the trail just blows my mind... Walking through Vasquez Rocks was one of those moments. I’m sure there are tons more ahead of me if I can keep going. 

The famous “Kirk’s Rock” where several Star Trek episodes have been filmed. Vasquez Rocks have been used as the backdrop to dozens of films and shows, including Dante’s Peak (a personal fav), Power Rangers, and many episodes of Roswell (shout out to Hannah!) 

For the sake of forcing some positivity, I can reflect on some of the things I have enjoyed or loved about the last week or so on trail...

I’ve met amazing people who I am thrilled to see when we reconvene at a tent site or in town, I’ve enjoyed the most generous trail angels who have opened their homes to 50+ stinky hikers a night, the views are beautiful, I’ve developed an intense appreciation for the simple comforts in life, and every now and then my feet get numb, a good song comes on my shuffle, and I look out at my surroundings and feel such gratitude that I can be here doing what I’m doing. 

The beautiful oasis, Hiker Heaven, in the town of Agua Dulce. The couple who live here are the true definition of trail Angels - they provide their yard, showers, free laundry (which they do FOR you!), WiFi, AC, package mailing, and a place to rest during the heat of the day. 

What I wouldn’t give to have a horse on trail...

 

The manzanita forest behind another wonderful trail angel home, Casa de Luna, in Green Valley. It’s full of rocks decorated by hikers and dozens of cozy spots to set up a tent or cowboy camp.

I’m glad to have made it to Casa de Luna - this is an iconic and memorable stop on trail, complete with taco salad, hammocks, dancing, bucket showers (too cold for me, thanks!), and our official Class Bandanas.

We paid the price for our class bandanas - you gotta dance for it! 

I guessssss it’s important to remember at this moment that experiences like these are bound to have pain, discomfort, and challenge – that that’s where the growing happens, and it will get better and/or be worth it, and all that optimistic crap. Right now though, I’d rather just have it be known that thru-hiking is hard, that I am tired, sore, sad, anxious, and homesick as all hell, that I want to come home, and that I also don’t want to stop. 

Here’s hoping things go the way they’re supposed to, and that I’m okay with whatever way that might be. Feel free to send your prayers and good thoughts my way – I could use it! 

Bye for now!

(PS, sorry for the crappy formatting / font - I’ve tried so hard to fix it and I officially give up).